Health/tumor/Sloan Kettering update

So, I've been waiting around for nearly 4 months to hear the results from the tumor panel at Sloan Kettering and no word. A few weeks ago, I met with my physician and said, "hey, I haven't heard anything, what should I do?" She said she'd make some calls. I called her office with the information and didn't hear anything, so I called her last Friday and she hadn't received my information. Do you see where this could be going? At any rate, she called me today and said she called the office of Dr. Sabbatini at Sloan Kettering in New York, and his assistant said they never received my lab work. Now my doctor is trying to find out where my lab work is. I'm seeing my GYN/oncologist on Tuesday, I wanted to have all this ready for him then, but it looks like more uncertainty is in my future on this topic.

What does this tell me? Well, it says that there was no follow-thru on my behalf from my surgeon/GYN, but is it fair to blame her? Her specialty is difficult pregnancies and female health, she sounded so relieved when she called me and left a message back at the end of July that everything was being shipped off to an expert, cancer is not her specialty. Did I drop the ball by not calling and checking on the information? I had seen my new GYN/oncologist once a few days before that, he said to come back in 2 weeks, but once I heard that a tumor panel was happening, I waited to hear the results before meeting with him again.

This whole situation reminds me how so many of us think things will be clearly defined and follow a clear process. I was raised to think that way, both of my parents are very logical, linear thinkers, and there is no deviation. Everything is an equation that is solved. Once I have closure, I move on. However, so much of my life hasn't been like that at all and I spent years trying to force that square-peg thinking into my round-peg reality. This hits me over and over again, so obviously there is a karmic life lesson for me!

So am I upset? Well, it is unsettling, but my physician said, "you're not dying, and this is for me to worry about and fix, not you." Thank you, Dr. Jennifer Gorrelick, you are saying the right thing. It just seems par for the course with this health journey, no one has answers, everyone is flummoxed, there is no clarity. I have to provide my own clarity, that is my responsibility. I eat healthily, I do yoga, take mile long walks, and ride an exercise bike for half an hour, I sleep well, and I am surrounded by love and love in return. I'm trying to fill my life with projects that fascinate me and turn me on. We have a lively and loving new 7 1/2 year old cairn terrier named Monty who makes me laugh. My husband and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for many things this year. Last year at this time, I was overwhelmed and my inner self kept saying "get this out, have the surgery now, do it NOW!" It was pretty constant. I didn't know it was cancer. Those are not the same messages I'm receiving now, right now there is a lot of peace as my body is becoming whole again. I always used to say, "yeah, thanks for my health," but now I am truly grateful. I wish you all that grace. Happy Thanksgiving.

Here's Hans taking Monty for a walk

The way to live my life

A friend of mine just posted this as her facebook status and it really touched my heart. I try to live my life like this with my whole being every day, great advice for us. Can you imagine if everyone practiced this in their lives? Think what the world could be like!

When I look at ugliness, I see beauty. When there is noise, I hear a robin's song instead. In the winter of my sorrow, I remember the summer of my joy. In the nighttime of my loneliness, I breathe the day of my thanksgiving. But when the sadness spreads its blanket and that is what I see, I take my eyes to some high place until I find a reflection of what lies deep inside of me.-Navajo saying

Max's last video

It has been over a month since Max died. Life has gone on, we are busy with our projects and doings, but boy, is our house empty. Last week I contacted a local cairn rescue group as well as a few breeder/handlers, I'll be meeting a retired cairn show dog this week, we'll see. I think Hans and are drawn to the rescues, though, the ones who need love and are a bit scrappy. The great thing about cairns is that they come in many colors, and I think we would feel better with a cairn who wasn't black and silver like Max. As our friends have said, some little cairn is about to hit the jackpot with us, we can't wait to meet him or her.

This little video is the last one I took of Max, a month before he died. He was old and gray, deaf and pretty much blind, but he was happy on the bed most of the day and the love was always there. Even though I need a kleenex to watch it, it reminds me of the true love Max and I shared. He was such a good boy. This just shows you how wonderful rescues are, Max came to us at age 6 and was with us almost 11 years, and we all loved every minute we had together.

Max's last video

Max, the star of "A Cairn and a sandwich"

I've started going through pictures and videos of Max. I got a new digital camera in early 2005 which took little videos, too, so as I go back in time to 2005, there is Max running around, smiling, sniffing, clear-eyed, and responsive. I'd forgotten that about him as he became a senior. He also has much more black fur around his face. Aging or not, he remained a sweetheart, and as I said in the previous entry, he had opinions. This little dog would crack us up, he made his opinions very clear! I found this series of photos that just make me laugh out loud, Max is sweet and hilarious at the same time. These were taken on a lovely afternoon picnic by the Potomac River, April 17, 2005. And yes, he did get some of the sandwich!

Sad

I'm so sad. We lost our beloved cairn terrier, Max, sometimes known as Maxel "the good," early Sunday morning. To say we adored him really doesn't begin to cover it. Back in 1999 about this time of year, we rescued Max from the shelter. For several months prior, my husband Hans and I had been making the rounds of various shelters and not finding terriers, I remember actually crying after going to the Fairfax animal shelter and looking at 50 dogs, I said, "we'll NEVER find a terrier." My husband said, "hey, let's go to our local shelter, even though we were there 2 days ago." I didn't want to go, but I did. As we walked down the aisle, suddenly there was someone new. Small, black and silver, and barking loudly, as in, "yo, I'm down here, do NOT pass me by!" I didn't want to see him in the meeting room, I said, "he's very barky." But again, Hans won out and we went into the room with a black and silver cairn terrier. I knelt down, Max walked right up to me and put his paw on my knee. Well, that was it, he picked us, and the rest is history.

He was the perfect dog for us, we adored him and he adored us. He alerted us to UPS trucks driving by, mail delivery, and kids walking down the street with his loud bark. He cuddled between us on the bed at night. He liked to sit curled up with me on the sofa when I watched tv, he "helped" with many of my crochet projects. He loved Hans, particularly when they'd run together, Max got the biggest smile on his face. Max curled up next to me when I was sick, I always called it "helping," he took his job seriously this past spring while I recovered from surgery. He liked to keep us in his sight, he loved "his people." He hated going to the vet, he'd start shivering violently as we'd put him in his doggy seatbelt in the car, we had to drag him in the vet's door, just an amazing show he put on! Whenever his grooming or his vet visit was done, he bee-lined for the door, no shivering, just ready to get out of there. He hated rain and getting his feet wet. He'd bark if a cat walked by the coffee table, to alert us, we nicknamed him "Officer O'Malley." He loved to eat, he loved treats, he loved bacon, he loved liverwurst and headcheese (courtesy of our lovely German landlady who adored him and would babysit him), he loved cheese. He could be very protective of his food, if one of our cats strayed near him, he'd bark and launch at it, but rarely was it serious.

As he aged, he slowed down. He had arthritis and took medication that worked well for him, he lost a lot of hearing and much of his eyesight. He became a bit needy. He fell down the stairs 2 years ago, which was horrifying, so we began to carry him up the stairs and later down them as well, the little "prince on a pillow." His walks became very short, a pee, a little sniff, then turned like a magnetic needle back to the house. He slept A LOT. He spent most of his time on our bed, sleeping, curled up in a ball. He couldn't jump up on furniture anymore, we had to lift him onto the bed. The fur on his face became white. He was out of it sometimes, not quite sure where he was, but he'd calm down when I talked to him and pet him. I told him everyday how much I loved him and how special he was, always. He was such a good, true little soul.

At 2:45am on Sunday morning, we were awakened to Max having a seizure. It was horrifying, he was screaming, Hans was sobbing and making sure he was safe, I was running around to call the emergency vet. We wrapped Max in towels and drove to the emergency vet in 20 minutes. The vet examined him, called us back to a meeting room. We knew. He wasn't recovering from the seizure. He was 17. We made the decision to put him to sleep, weeping, and we held him for a bit. It wasn't Max anymore, I knew his brain had been damaged. We put him on the table, the vet put in the syringe, and Max went so peacefully. So sweet.

We are devastated, of course I knew my pet would die one day, but I certainly didn't think about it much. Max was very much alive. He had opinions. And he was very loving. He was a major part of our lives for nearly 11 years. Yesterday, I donated his leftover food and treats to the shelter where we rescued him in his honor. The house now is oh, so quiet. The sounds of his little paws on the floor as he made his rounds, his little sleeping noises, the clinking of his ID and rabies tags with his St. Francis of Assisi medal.

Always loved, always loving, forever in our hearts.

Inspired

I'm so inspired right now, I'm working with some incredible people, full of ideas and creativity.

1. Jenny Otto, my yoga teacher and mentor - she has started working using one inch poles with feet work - profound. Her knowledge of the body/muscular/bone structure/nervous system is par none, she knows things no other yoga teacher knows because she has actually participated in autopsies and sees how the body works. She finds challenging ways to use props, to access and change the brain/nervous system habits, she literally blows my mind! Sometimes I really struggle in her classes which alerts me to the fact that I'm misaligned or not being efficient in my own structure. Through her example, I see the power of creation in yoga teaching.

2. Haley Murphy, director for "Sabbath Night in the Church of the Piranha" with Taking Flight Theater Company - Haley knows what she wants but allows me the freedom to explore and create and find it from myself, I can speak candidly when things work or not, she has no problem with me having input. If I make a choice that she didn't foresee and she likes it, she'll say, "that's better than what I was thinking for that moment." I really feel like I'm co-creating with her, rather than her just telling me what she wants, we are collaborators in this world we are creating.

3. Ksenya Litvak, puppet designer - Ksenya is amazing. Trained in Russia as an artist and puppetmaker, her designs are clever, whimsical, practical, and inspired. She just draws something quickly on a napkin, some vision she sees, and I am thrilled by her ideas. I worked with her for three years in the past with a theatre company, but now I'm in the midst of creating a "Puppetry and Percussion" project, and she is helping me with ideas and creations. We will be working together for a few hours each week, the fun never stops with puppetry!

4. Jill Cahn, yoga teacher and mentor - technically I'm not working with her at the moment, she is on vacation with her husband for a few weeks, but she is always with me. She is my most profound connection with yoga. Her work using/going against gravity is the greatest influence in my practice and on my future yoga teaching. Everything she has ever said to me has been right. How many people can you say that about in your life? I LOVE her.

5. Medeski Martin and Wood - I know, they, too, are always a part of what I'm about. Their music influences me, the creativity with sound and time, their sense of fun and play, their profundity. I continue to listen to a lot of Billy Martin's stuff at the moment, I keep playing with time and rhythm.

6. Garri Bardin - Russian animator. Ksenya turned me on to him, his animations are amazing, inanimate objects coming to life in clever ways, true genius. However, true to Russian form, the endings always grab and break your heart, and it turns in a way that is unexpected. Here's a link to "Marriage"

Suddenly I find I'm an actor again

So I'm in rehearsals for a play right now, "Sabbath Night in the Church of the Piranha," by Ed Falco. No, you shouldn't know it, it has only been performed once at Virginia Tech a few years ago. It is very intense, all family dynamics, I'm playing Una, the mother of a difficult 15 year old, and suddenly my emotionally damaged mother arrives for the weekend and I'm stuck between the two clashing personalities. It is very dense, lots of emotional landscapes to figure out, there are some very funny moments as well. It is exciting to be in a play where I get to set a precedent, I adore the director and am really enjoying working with the other actors.

You're waiting for the "BUT......"

My issue is really me. At one point in my life, I really wanted to be an actor, I auditioned a lot, I tried, I didn't get cast much. For the past two years, I've devoted myself to music and yoga, last year I spent in an intensive yoga teacher training program, I figured I'd get back into acting at some point, but there was no hurry. Besides, women in their 40s really don't get cast much, there aren't a lot of parts. Well, the joke is on me, because I've gotten hired more since I stopped "being an actor" and I've had some great roles. I can only laugh! I also think I'm a better actor now because I stopped caring, I'm just in the moment being as true as I possibly can.

I started going through my difficult phase in learning a role and lines the other day, I have a lot of lines. And I have to learn them. As Una, I yell at times, I have a breakdown, I am berated, I'm well-meaning. I always forget how difficult it is for me to traverse these places, I go there because I've experienced them, and even though I've moved on and healed in my life, my cells and self are reminded of those feelings. It actually makes me sick for a day. That's when I think, "What the HELL am I doing? Why am I going here? Why did I audition for this part?? What was I thinking???" Then, after a day, I unfreeze and get on with the program. I listen and speak my lines with my ipod (that's how it is as an auditory learner) on all my commutes and doing things around the house. I never go through the wringer like this doing music or puppetry.

So why do I put myself through this? Good question. I was cast and I'm a professional, but it isn't easy for me. I'm not really an actor, but I'm playing one. My goals as an actor are the same as they are for living - be as true and honest as I can be in the moment.