Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Health/tumor/Sloan Kettering update

So, I've been waiting around for nearly 4 months to hear the results from the tumor panel at Sloan Kettering and no word. A few weeks ago, I met with my physician and said, "hey, I haven't heard anything, what should I do?" She said she'd make some calls. I called her office with the information and didn't hear anything, so I called her last Friday and she hadn't received my information. Do you see where this could be going? At any rate, she called me today and said she called the office of Dr. Sabbatini at Sloan Kettering in New York, and his assistant said they never received my lab work. Now my doctor is trying to find out where my lab work is. I'm seeing my GYN/oncologist on Tuesday, I wanted to have all this ready for him then, but it looks like more uncertainty is in my future on this topic.

What does this tell me? Well, it says that there was no follow-thru on my behalf from my surgeon/GYN, but is it fair to blame her? Her specialty is difficult pregnancies and female health, she sounded so relieved when she called me and left a message back at the end of July that everything was being shipped off to an expert, cancer is not her specialty. Did I drop the ball by not calling and checking on the information? I had seen my new GYN/oncologist once a few days before that, he said to come back in 2 weeks, but once I heard that a tumor panel was happening, I waited to hear the results before meeting with him again.

This whole situation reminds me how so many of us think things will be clearly defined and follow a clear process. I was raised to think that way, both of my parents are very logical, linear thinkers, and there is no deviation. Everything is an equation that is solved. Once I have closure, I move on. However, so much of my life hasn't been like that at all and I spent years trying to force that square-peg thinking into my round-peg reality. This hits me over and over again, so obviously there is a karmic life lesson for me!

So am I upset? Well, it is unsettling, but my physician said, "you're not dying, and this is for me to worry about and fix, not you." Thank you, Dr. Jennifer Gorrelick, you are saying the right thing. It just seems par for the course with this health journey, no one has answers, everyone is flummoxed, there is no clarity. I have to provide my own clarity, that is my responsibility. I eat healthily, I do yoga, take mile long walks, and ride an exercise bike for half an hour, I sleep well, and I am surrounded by love and love in return. I'm trying to fill my life with projects that fascinate me and turn me on. We have a lively and loving new 7 1/2 year old cairn terrier named Monty who makes me laugh. My husband and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for many things this year. Last year at this time, I was overwhelmed and my inner self kept saying "get this out, have the surgery now, do it NOW!" It was pretty constant. I didn't know it was cancer. Those are not the same messages I'm receiving now, right now there is a lot of peace as my body is becoming whole again. I always used to say, "yeah, thanks for my health," but now I am truly grateful. I wish you all that grace. Happy Thanksgiving.

Here's Hans taking Monty for a walk

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The way to live my life

A friend of mine just posted this as her facebook status and it really touched my heart. I try to live my life like this with my whole being every day, great advice for us. Can you imagine if everyone practiced this in their lives? Think what the world could be like!

When I look at ugliness, I see beauty. When there is noise, I hear a robin's song instead. In the winter of my sorrow, I remember the summer of my joy. In the nighttime of my loneliness, I breathe the day of my thanksgiving. But when the sadness spreads its blanket and that is what I see, I take my eyes to some high place until I find a reflection of what lies deep inside of me.-Navajo saying

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Max's last video

It has been over a month since Max died. Life has gone on, we are busy with our projects and doings, but boy, is our house empty. Last week I contacted a local cairn rescue group as well as a few breeder/handlers, I'll be meeting a retired cairn show dog this week, we'll see. I think Hans and are drawn to the rescues, though, the ones who need love and are a bit scrappy. The great thing about cairns is that they come in many colors, and I think we would feel better with a cairn who wasn't black and silver like Max. As our friends have said, some little cairn is about to hit the jackpot with us, we can't wait to meet him or her.

This little video is the last one I took of Max, a month before he died. He was old and gray, deaf and pretty much blind, but he was happy on the bed most of the day and the love was always there. Even though I need a kleenex to watch it, it reminds me of the true love Max and I shared. He was such a good boy. This just shows you how wonderful rescues are, Max came to us at age 6 and was with us almost 11 years, and we all loved every minute we had together.

Max's last video