A New Year!

Yes, we've been in 2011 for a week now, I've been enjoying the energy of the new year and excited about the possibilities, what will the year hold? I have constant, good feelings. I'm trying to keep myself an open vessel during a quiet week for me - the usual - yoga, reading, time with my pets, cleaning, cooking, singing and listening. This year is going to take me places and I'm centering myself as strongly as I can while I can.

While I'm not necessarily a "resolutions" type person, I've been thinking about the things I want to accomplish. I've been going through cookbooks and trying new recipes which is something I love to do. The "Puppetry and Percussion" project is in the making, I really can't start creating until I have puppets to work with, that will probably be in March. I'm planning on doing some recording, I've been organizing the pieces I want to record, mostly original stuff, stories in my head. I get inspired by things, often when I'm driving and sometimes in the middle of the night, then I rush into my office and write the ideas down on scrap paper. Needless to say, my desk is often covered with little scribbled papers, I've been able to organize them and lessen the clutter a bit.

Then there are the crazy things I've always wanted to do - right now all I can think about is learning how to play the theremin. You know, the unworldly instrument that often accompanies sci-fi flicks? How much fun would that be?!

Leon Theremin demonstrates

So it is nearing Christmas

After we put out a few presents, Monty moved them with his nose
to make his place under our Christmas tree.



Well, 2010 has been a very trying year. I can't say I've enjoyed it very much, but I've definitely learned much about myself and others, who is or isn't on my side, what really makes me happy, and that I'm done with snow. I've learned about PET CT scans and a little about a rare cancer called PEComa. I've learned that I recovered physically well from surgery and that there is a lot of love in my life. It has been a year about reassessing my life and honoring what makes me tick.

As I clean my house, wash curtains, bake cookies and stollen, get ready for holiday visitors, there is much to be thankful for. I've spent a lot of the blog this year talking about being thankful, I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but I am. I'm healthy. I'm here. I'm powerful and unique. I have a lot to say and share. You are kind enough to read my blatherings!

2011 will be a break-out year for me. That I know. Many projects are in the works, my creative juices are running rampant, I continue to challenge myself. As long as I continue to practice yoga everyday, life seems to go smoothly. Whenever I stop, I become recalcitrant and unpleasant, so which way is better for me?! I will share my doings as they come and go, but be assured it won't be a typical, run of the mill experience, because I just can't seem to function like "normal" people. My mom always told me I would do one thing in life which has been an albatross for me, I am happiest when I'm doing many different projects at once, such is my creative nature and I must honor that.

Late in 2010, we brought Monty the cairn into our home after losing our beloved Max in October. While Monty and Max are very different, they teach/taught me much about what is really important in life. Monty is a happy soul, so excited to go out for a walk, eat a meal, hang out with us. He doesn't know an enemy, except, perhaps squirrels! He wags his tail at us and looks up at me with big eyes, life is a joyous experience for him. And so should it be for all of us, we have so brief a time here on this earth, why not fill it with happiness, because if we are happy, we share it with the world. That simple.

This year, I've spent a lot of time being "in the moment." I don't have on the radio in the house as much as I used to, I walk the dog with my ears free from a phone or music so I can share the experience with my dog, I'm keeping my ears open. My hearing is so acute and there is much to be heard, and I need to listen, so actively listening has gone beyond listening to music, I'm listening right now. That brings me great joy because I am present. It is a meditation and fills me again, with gratitude.

I wish all of you a holiday season of gratitude and joy, because they go hand in hand. Let's hear it for true friends and fun!

Observation and Thanks

Hans Peter Dettmar, the Hans-meister, November 2010, Baltimore Harbor

Well, I met with my GYN/oncologist yesterday and here's the plan - observation. I'll see him every three months, for the next two years I'll have a CT scan every 6 months, and then for the following five years I'll have a CT scan every year. After that, I'll be considered non-risk. Since the tumor was small (under an inch in diameter), and was totally removed, the prognosis is good. Thank you, see you in three months.

Is that all? After this crazy, over-the-top emotional year I was expecting more confusion and drama. Not to be. We have a plan in place, stop the drama. Sloan Kettering is a non-factor, really. The fact is that the expert at Johns Hopkins had never seen a PEComa nor has anyone at Sloan Kettering. They don't have any new information at this time. So I'm on a new path with this doctor, and since his office is a 6 minute drive from my house, even better.

I came home from the appointment and sat in a chair, the same one in which I called my parents to tell them the news in July. It was 3pm, it was quiet, and I suddenly didn't know how to feel. My husband told me to fix myself a stiff drink, but I didn't, I just sat. So much of my angst from the last year has been lifted, unfortunately angst has been a defining factor in my life for a year. I find myself crying for no reason, I think the release of the emotions I've been quietly carrying are going to come out, and they should. NO ONE should ever have to experience the confusion and mixed messages I've been given since April, just an awful roller coaster ride. Being in survival mode is not fun, trying to make through a day, an hour, a minute, a breath.

So many people have been supportive, some wonderful words shared, my cousin telling me she lit candles at every church while in Europe this summer for me, people putting me on prayer lists, my sister offering to come stay with me if I needed treatment, my parents with their medical constancy, my brother calling my parents every night to see how he could help, friends making me laugh to keep perspective, my pets, but most of all, my husband. It sounds a cliche, but he is truly my best friend and is ALWAYS there for me, always. He never once panicked (at least on the outside!) and helped make my life continue on with a sense of normalcy, even during those dark days of July. Thank God for the Tour de France this year, my yearly July obsession, that gave me plenty more to focus on than all the information overload I was getting, and Hans and I watched the Tour every day for three weeks. Hans Dettmar, you are a great man, a great husband, you make me laugh, and most importantly, you love me. There is no greater blessing in life than to be loved and to love fully in return.

Health/tumor/Sloan Kettering update

So, I've been waiting around for nearly 4 months to hear the results from the tumor panel at Sloan Kettering and no word. A few weeks ago, I met with my physician and said, "hey, I haven't heard anything, what should I do?" She said she'd make some calls. I called her office with the information and didn't hear anything, so I called her last Friday and she hadn't received my information. Do you see where this could be going? At any rate, she called me today and said she called the office of Dr. Sabbatini at Sloan Kettering in New York, and his assistant said they never received my lab work. Now my doctor is trying to find out where my lab work is. I'm seeing my GYN/oncologist on Tuesday, I wanted to have all this ready for him then, but it looks like more uncertainty is in my future on this topic.

What does this tell me? Well, it says that there was no follow-thru on my behalf from my surgeon/GYN, but is it fair to blame her? Her specialty is difficult pregnancies and female health, she sounded so relieved when she called me and left a message back at the end of July that everything was being shipped off to an expert, cancer is not her specialty. Did I drop the ball by not calling and checking on the information? I had seen my new GYN/oncologist once a few days before that, he said to come back in 2 weeks, but once I heard that a tumor panel was happening, I waited to hear the results before meeting with him again.

This whole situation reminds me how so many of us think things will be clearly defined and follow a clear process. I was raised to think that way, both of my parents are very logical, linear thinkers, and there is no deviation. Everything is an equation that is solved. Once I have closure, I move on. However, so much of my life hasn't been like that at all and I spent years trying to force that square-peg thinking into my round-peg reality. This hits me over and over again, so obviously there is a karmic life lesson for me!

So am I upset? Well, it is unsettling, but my physician said, "you're not dying, and this is for me to worry about and fix, not you." Thank you, Dr. Jennifer Gorrelick, you are saying the right thing. It just seems par for the course with this health journey, no one has answers, everyone is flummoxed, there is no clarity. I have to provide my own clarity, that is my responsibility. I eat healthily, I do yoga, take mile long walks, and ride an exercise bike for half an hour, I sleep well, and I am surrounded by love and love in return. I'm trying to fill my life with projects that fascinate me and turn me on. We have a lively and loving new 7 1/2 year old cairn terrier named Monty who makes me laugh. My husband and I are going to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for many things this year. Last year at this time, I was overwhelmed and my inner self kept saying "get this out, have the surgery now, do it NOW!" It was pretty constant. I didn't know it was cancer. Those are not the same messages I'm receiving now, right now there is a lot of peace as my body is becoming whole again. I always used to say, "yeah, thanks for my health," but now I am truly grateful. I wish you all that grace. Happy Thanksgiving.

Here's Hans taking Monty for a walk

The way to live my life

A friend of mine just posted this as her facebook status and it really touched my heart. I try to live my life like this with my whole being every day, great advice for us. Can you imagine if everyone practiced this in their lives? Think what the world could be like!

When I look at ugliness, I see beauty. When there is noise, I hear a robin's song instead. In the winter of my sorrow, I remember the summer of my joy. In the nighttime of my loneliness, I breathe the day of my thanksgiving. But when the sadness spreads its blanket and that is what I see, I take my eyes to some high place until I find a reflection of what lies deep inside of me.-Navajo saying

Max's last video

It has been over a month since Max died. Life has gone on, we are busy with our projects and doings, but boy, is our house empty. Last week I contacted a local cairn rescue group as well as a few breeder/handlers, I'll be meeting a retired cairn show dog this week, we'll see. I think Hans and are drawn to the rescues, though, the ones who need love and are a bit scrappy. The great thing about cairns is that they come in many colors, and I think we would feel better with a cairn who wasn't black and silver like Max. As our friends have said, some little cairn is about to hit the jackpot with us, we can't wait to meet him or her.

This little video is the last one I took of Max, a month before he died. He was old and gray, deaf and pretty much blind, but he was happy on the bed most of the day and the love was always there. Even though I need a kleenex to watch it, it reminds me of the true love Max and I shared. He was such a good boy. This just shows you how wonderful rescues are, Max came to us at age 6 and was with us almost 11 years, and we all loved every minute we had together.

Max's last video

Max, the star of "A Cairn and a sandwich"

I've started going through pictures and videos of Max. I got a new digital camera in early 2005 which took little videos, too, so as I go back in time to 2005, there is Max running around, smiling, sniffing, clear-eyed, and responsive. I'd forgotten that about him as he became a senior. He also has much more black fur around his face. Aging or not, he remained a sweetheart, and as I said in the previous entry, he had opinions. This little dog would crack us up, he made his opinions very clear! I found this series of photos that just make me laugh out loud, Max is sweet and hilarious at the same time. These were taken on a lovely afternoon picnic by the Potomac River, April 17, 2005. And yes, he did get some of the sandwich!